Paris for a Quick Minute

Being back in Paris feels like that moment when you walk in the door of your house/apartment and you smell that smell of familiarity – you feel safe and home. It’s like when you can make it from your bed to the bathroom in the dark without bumping into anything. There are some things that are engrained so deeply in my memory, and being back here is… good. I think that when you use the word good to really mean that something gives you pleasure, makes you happy, or fulfills you, there is no other way to describe it beyond it being just that: good. 

Paris was good to me for the 4 months I studied here in 2012. Paris is good to me now, with the sun shining, the smell of stale cigarettes in the air, and the city alive with summertime.

I lust for a life here. I lust for the ultimate comfort I have in San Francisco with so many people I love near me. Creating a new life here would be a challenge, but I think I’ll regret it if I don’t try one day.

4 days back is not enough time for me to eat all the food I want to try, to see all the streets I used to love and to explore new ones, or to meet make good new friends. I could probably use all the time in the world. But I can’t have my crêpes and eat them too.

A bientôt Paris, my chérie. I will be back soon. 

All My Epics Have Happy Endings

Taylor and I spent two amazing weeks in what I would now say are some of my new favorite cities in the world. We definitely embraced the “adventure is out there” motto since there were some times when we weren’t sure what would happen next, or where we’d end up. That’s the best thing about not having a plan – it means some of the best stories are about to unfold, and living them may be a bit frightening, but laughing about it after makes it all worth it in the end.

Here’s a overview of our 2 weeks in numbers:

  • 2 countries, 5 cities visited
  • 1 shoe casualty
  • 1 toenail casualty
  • 1 maß (beer stein) casualty
  • 1 foot (some blisters) casualty
  • 2 encounters with the police
  • 15 (give or take) liters of beer drank
  • 4 pretzels eaten
  • 4 bratwurst eaten
  • 12 scoops of ice cream consumed
  • 6 total hamburgers eaten in 3 different cities
  • 2 planes, 3 trains, 3 long bus rides taken
  • 6 different beds/couches slept in

We started out in Berlin, staying at Johannes’ apartment, although he was not actually there. When we showed up for his girlfriend to let us in on Wednesday morning, our first day there, he didn’t tell us which apartment to ring so we ended up waiting outside for a solid 15 minutes and asking a stranger to use their phone to call him. Eventually it all worked out and we had a great stay in Berlin.

In Hamburg, things went a little more smoothly, minus Taylor breaking her shoe one day while walking around, and a house party getting broken up by the German police. They’re not super warm, those guys. Martin and I had just left the party to put our shoes on in the hallway when Taylor was still inside saying her goodbyes and the police showed up, demanding the hosts to hand over their IDs due to a noise complaint. Taylor was trapped inside as Martin and I were free on the outside. It was quite hilarious, he even asked the police if Taylor could come out and leave with us and they said no. Of course Tay and I understood none of what they were saying but she got out 10 minutes later.

Our next police encounter happened when we were going from Munich to Poing, a small suburb where Julius’s family lives. After spending the evening out with Julius in Munich, he left us and went to his friends apartment and Taylor and I began our adventure to Poing. While we waited on the train platform, all of a sudden Taylor remembered we didn’t have the keys from Julius to get in the house. I took off running to get to Julius’s platform and like a scene from a movie I was screaming his name as the doors of his train closed and he threw the keys out to me. When Taylor and I got on our train, so did the police controllers, asking everyone for their tickets. Now, until Munich, we hadn’t exactly paid for pub trans – it’s sort of on the honor system in Germany, unless of course there’s controllers. When the police asked us for our tickets, Taylor remembered Julius had them. of course. they told us we had to pay 40 euro and when we said we didn’t have it they said, “That’s a problem.” Playing sweet American tourist doesn’t work so well in Germany. They told us we could get off at the next stop, buy tickets, then wait for the next train. Unfortunately for us it was close to 11:30, we were a 20 minute train ride away from our stop, the last bus left Poing at 12:04, and we had to wait at the station for 20 more minutes for our next train. We got off at Poing at 12:02, ran like hell to catch the bus, and I ended up running after it waving my arms like an idiot screaming, “BUS!” as it drove away into the night.

We walked around poing for 15 minutes looking for ANYONE, but that town is in the middle of bumfuck nowhere, and we were lucky to come across a hotel that was closing its doors and called us a taxi to take us to home sweet home. I wouldn’t highly recommend staying in Poing in the future.

I loved Germany a lot. Everyone is attractive. They put ketchup on any/everything. German doesn’t always sound angry. They don’t like vegetables. And so many other great generalizations I came to find during my two weeks there.

I already miss all my friends there and I’m looking forward to the next time I’m back.

Embrace the Adventure

Taylor and I finally made it on the train from Hamburg to Nuremburg (we think). We left my friend Martin’s apartment at 11:15 to take the 25 minute bus to the city’s main train station, but ended up on the wrong bus and got out shortly after and opted for a taxi. Oops. It only cost €10 and since we never paid for transportation in Hamburg we justified our splurge. We got to the train station, found our platform, and got on the train. When we lugged our heavy suitcases on board through the maze of bags already on the tiny ass train car, we asked someone if it was going to our stop and they said no. Back off the train. We asked a couple more people on the platform and they told us it was the next one, but we were weary since none of the signs read Nürnberg. We got on the next one and found what we thought was our reserved seats, but no go. We went through the train and found 2 empty seats to sit our sweaty asses in while we figured our shit out. I was a little stressed. Taylor decided to walk all the way through the train to find out what was going on, and came back to tell me she found our spots and we were on the right train. Hallelujah! Let’s hope we make it in one piece. 

Now I’m sitting in our Harry Potter-like compartment as we train through the German countryside. 

So far we’ve spent two and a half days in Berlin at my friend Johannes’s apartment, then bused to Hamburg and spent four nights at my friend Martin’s, and now we’re making an unexpected stop in Nuremburg to see my friend Julius before we go to Munich. All of these people I met very randomly and have only spent a short amount of time with before coming here. My life continues with a theme of making friends with strangers, and I know there are many more adventures to come!

 

Martin & the girls

 
All these adventures began with The first Crazysash World Adventure: 17-year-old Sash, traveled to France alone to stay with a strange French family. I remember being so nervous flying so far all by myself. I got off the airplane and waited for a girl and her father to appear and hopefully recognize me. They took me home, and I’m sure all I said for the first 24 hours was, “Okay!” I used their phone to call my parents and cry – I couldn’t understand what anyone was saying and I wanted to come home.

Slowly, it got better. And of course, soon I didn’t want to come home at all. Roxane and I became like sisters, staying up late giggling on each other’s beds. She got me drunk for the first time (pretty sure all I had was two shots of tequila) and I felt silly and free and fully happy in this different world.

Roxane was my first real foreign friend, one I’m seeing again for the fourth time when I visit her this trip. I met Martin through my uncle Jeremy who hosted Martin as a couch surfer in San Francisco more than two years ago. I met Julius through Jeremy as well, and I thank god my uncle loved to introduce me to cute foreign boys!

Leaving Hamburg, I feel like my travels here have helped me come full circle with Jeremy’s death in a way. While visiting the orphanages in Laos last year was life-changing, staying with these people I would never have known if not for Jeremy is very special to me. There are so many people around the world who only know Jeremy like I do, people who may have met him in a customs line in an airport once and been invited over for a meal. Or people who stayed at his house once then traveled with him to Mexico and had mayonnaise making contests. I love to laugh about the crazy shit Jeremy would do with people who understood him best, and I’m forever thankful for these friends I’ve made because of him. 

I got my sense of adventure from my grandma and Jeremy – two people who are no longer here but whom I admire so greatly. I’m going to continue to have Crazysash World Adventures as long as I can, and I promise to send you a postcard one day.

Tay and Sash take Hamburg

IGBOK*

This past weekend a family friend of mine who I hadn’t seen in awhile said, “So it looks like San Francisco is one big party from all of your photos!” That statement is both true and false. True: yes, San Francisco is very fun. There’s so many reasons I love living here but one of them is because of all of the random days of the year that I get to dress up, wear a wig, and hit the streets dressed like a fool. False: I don’t really like to actually party.

It made me think about the person you see online and who I really am. And I like to think that I’m not all that different from what people see and how I act in real life: I’m weird and crazy, I love to talk to strangers, I am obsessed with mostly all dogs/puppies, I eat Taco Bell on the reg, I make out with boys on the street, I normally am asleep before 11pm, I spend my weekends waking up early and cooking breakfast, and I really DO love Justin Bieber.

But there’s a lot I still want people to know about this person they see online and how I act with people I’m close to. I’ve spent the last few years of my life figuring out who I want to be and how to connect with people I meet and I finally feel like I’ve got it down. It can still take me awhile to really open up to people I don’t know very well, but I guess that’s normal for everyone.

Sometimes I just want to be “normal.” My friend gave me a bracelet for my birthday last year to remind me that “Normal Sux.” I want to be normal so I don’t feel this anxiety I have had for the last couple of years.

I started to notice my anxiety as I watched my uncle Jeremy get sicker with cancer, and I started to link his health and my own together, something irrational and bizarre that I can’t exactly explain. It’s been hard to manage and I frequently find myself frustrated when I’m in moments of darkness because I so badly want to slap myself out of it but can’t. I know how hard it’s been for my family and friends who also want to help me but don’t know how – and there’s not much really anyone can do. The only way for me to really explain an anxiety attack is imagining the one thing you’re afraid of dying from most all of a sudden taking hold of your body and making you believe that that’s exactly how you’re going to die in the next five minutes. For example, if you were deathly afraid of a fork stabbing you and you killing you, you might suddenly experience sharp pains that cause you to believe that you are in fact dying. Or at least I know that’s what happens to me (although I’m not afraid of forks).

My anxiety has become something I have to deal with, and I’ve had to change a lot about myself in order to help minimize it. I’m not sure it will ever go away, but I try and work hard to find new ways of keeping the anxiety attacks at bay so I can still enjoy my life. There have been times when I’ve had to opt-out of plans or fun activities simply because I couldn’t function with my anxiety. I’ve had to cut back on drinking a lot, since that fuels it. It’s hard not to drink, especially at this age when people always want to “get drinks” or dates involve “dinner and drinks.” My life doesn’t revolve around alcohol, but I do enjoy it. (So, in reference to the “party” comment above, no, I can’t really do that frequently).

I have had a hard time telling people about my anxiety because I am ashamed of it. I’m ashamed at how irrational it is and how I have to do things differently than other people. Sometimes, I’ve felt like I need an excuse as to why I can’t do what everyone else is doing. It’s hard for me to say “no.” But I’m learning every day.

So this is me, for real and true, and I’m putting it all over the world wide web for everyone to read, just in case you didn’t believe my Facebook persona. I’m still the same Crazysash, just taking life one day at a time.

*IGBOK stands for It’s Gonna Be OK. A sticker my best friend gave me awhile ago to put on my mirror to remind myself that it really IS gonna be ok.